Posted by Toonces T. Cat on Tuesday, November 28th, 3:00 PM CDT

Cat Bots organize protest in CTF-Acid Pipe!:

Mass Cat Bot Protest in CTF-Acid Pipe

The Cat Bots lay out their demands to the Server Admin

The dreaded Cat Bots gathered today in the Red Flag room of CTF-Acid Pipe to make known their demands for continued play. The leader of the protest, Cat Bot - El Gato Diablo, stated the group's demands for the UT Press Corp. "We have played long enough under these absurd and very oppressive conditions!"...he said. When asked about specifics, Diablo went on to say, "How can we be expected to continue to play while we're set to run at the Masterful Level? It's just not fair that we are handicapped when we are forced to face the awesome powers and skillz of Chronos." He continued, "If we are not elevated to the Godlike setting, I simply do not see how a strike can be averted."


El Gato Diablo                                                       [DC] Spot     

Negotiations continue at press time as the leaders of both factions work desperately to resolve their differences before the 5:00pm CST start up time for the Stuffed Cats Inc. Server. So far, all violence has been restricted to the UT game maps, but as tensions grow, both sides have refused to offer any assurances that the peaceful meetings will continue. When asked for a comment, the leading Dead Cat spokesman, [DC] Spot, replied, "Bite me!"


Settlement Reached - Cat Bot Strike Averted!
Posted by Toonces T. Cat on Wednesday, December 6th, 11:30 PM CDT

Cat Bots Ink Deal with the Dead Cats:

Brothers in Arms

Cat Bot El Gato Diablo and [DC] Spot stand
arm in arm beneath the Liandri Tower

Inching up against a last minute strike deadline, the Cat Bots have finally reached a contract agreement with the Dead Cats. Late this afternoon El Gato Diablo, representing the Cat Bots, and [DC] Spot, on behalf of the Dead Cats, signed the final papers that ended the threatened walk-out.

The full details of the deal have not been released, but two of the major points have been made public:
1.) The Cat Bots have agreed to remain at the Masterful setting.
2.) The Dead Cats have agreed that specific humans must play under designated handicaps.

Only rumors are circulating at this time regarding the handicaps, but apparently Chronos will be allowed to use Shock Rifle combo shots only while doing backwards dodge moves; Barkeep will be required to use rubber bullets, borrowed from the IDF, in his sniper rifle; [DC] Puma will only be permitted to telefrag if he does it using bank-shots; and finally, [DC] Missing Lynx will be restricted to operating his mouse with his left foot.

When asked for a comment on the outcome, [DC] Spot offered the following, "Look, I know it's going to be tough on those players, but they'll adapt...I mean no one ever said life is fair...Right?"


Problems with the Vote - Lawyers Called In!
Posted by Toonces T. Cat on Thursday, December 7th, 4:30 PM CDT

TeamUT Players Demand a Recount:

Opposing Groups Dispute Contract Vote

L to R: [DC] Missing Lynx, [DC] Spot, Triumph, Barkeep, Chronos, Alan Dershowitz, El Gato Diablo, Heathcliff

TeamUT players stand together with their spokesman, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, while lead attorney for
the Cat Bots, Alan Dershowitz, speaks for his clients

Contract negotiations have been completed, but a major controversy has errupted over the results. Reliable sources report that certain members of TeamUT did not have their votes properly counted. Whether these problems were intentional, as some of the human players appear to believe, or merely mistakes rooted in simple stupidity as the Cat Bots are now claiming, has yet to be determined.

Barkeep was quoted as saying, " I swear I thought I was voting the agreement down, but there was this pretty butterfly fluttering around that distracted me. I really thought I was voting no, but it was actually the ON button, which caused the voting machine to malfunction." Lawyers for the Cat Bots claim that Barkeep entered the voting booth while still wearing his headset. Lead attorney, Alan Dershowitz said, "The man was hearing voices in his head. For goodness sakes, what do you expect from someone that listens to voices in his head?" He continued, "These are nothing but baseless complaints from a sore loser."

When asked for a comment Cat Bot El Gato Diablo said, "Let them eat chads!"

TeamUT members have also filed multiple law suits charging the Cat Bots with offenses ranging from union thuggery to stuffing the litter box. The Cat Bots, in their counter-suits have charged that the TeamUT players were clearly too dim-witted to understand the clear and concise instructions that were prominently posted in each voting booth. Cat Bot Heathcliff commented, "Look, I'm just a piece of mediocre A.I. and I got it right. I can't believe these TeamUT clowns don't drown in the puddles of drool that form on their pillows every night…They have nothing to complain about!"

Unreal Tournament Officials have refused to comment until they have heard arguments from both of the parties. Legal analyst [DC] Cougar1 said, "This is far from being over!" This was an obvious hint that this situation promises to be a long and protracted battle. TeamUT Chief Negotiator, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog had the following comment for Attorney Dershowitz, "You did a great, great job…For me to poop on!"

To hear Triumph's remarks, click the link:   The TeamUT Negotiator's Comments

Contributed by: DC Blows

Cat Bot Contract Dispute Goes to the UT Supremes
Posted by Toonces T. Cat on Monday, December 11th, 10:30 PM CDT

The UT Supreme Court will hear the case:

UT Supremes Weigh In

The UT Supreme Court Sets Up Shop in CTF-AcidPipe

As the public relations war continued to heat up, both sides have officially filed their legal briefs with the UT Supreme Court. Details of the court filings have yet to be released. When asked about his possible arguments before the court, the Dead Cats legal advisor, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, said, "I am not worried. The other side's case has the consistency of a pile of steaming poop."

The attorney for the Cat Bots, Alan Dershowitz, refused to comment at this time. The seven justices are scheduled to hear the case later this week.


Scab Bots Cross the Cat Bot Picket Line
Posted by Toonces T. Cat on Sunday, December 17th, 6:00 PM CDT

[DC] Hawk brings in outside labor:

Who Let the Dogs Out!!!

[DC] Hawk and his new allies in CTF-A Dam Too Far

[DC] Hawk and Dog Bot Archie plan game strategy

The unthinkable happened today when scab labor, in the form of Dog Bots, crossed the Cat Bot picket lines and starting working on the Stuffed Cats Inc. Server. When asked for a comment [DC] Hawk said, "We are not going to be intimidated by the union thuggery of the Cat Bots and their bullying army of shyster lawyers. The Dog Bots are just hard working pieces of artificial intelligence. They have families and little programs at home they need to feed. We're happy to be able to give them some temporary employment this close to the Holiday season."

[DC] Hawk has taken over as the lead negotiator for the Dead Cats after Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was arrested for pooping on the game maps. The regular spokesman for the Dead Cats, [DC] Spot, was unavailable for comment. Reportedly he is in Palm Beach, Florida taking a crash course in ballot design.


Cat Bot Strike Ends with Signing of Historic Agreement
Posted by Toonces T. Cat on Wednesday, December 20th, 10:00 AM CDT

It's finally over:

Justice is Blind and so is [DC] Cat-Dog

El Gato Diablo, [DC] Cat-Dog, and Archie in front of the new UT challenge sign after inking the final agreement

After weeks of uncertainty, the Cat Bot strike ended early today. It appeared yesterday that everyone had settled in and prepared themselves for an extended walkout. Late last night, in a surprise move, the mutant UT player [DC] Cat-Dog was asked to intervene in a last minute effort to salvage the earlier agreement between the Cat Bots and the human players.

[DC] Hawk, the interim negotiator said, "[DC] Cat-Dog is uniquely qualified to handle situations like this. He's half cat, half dog and looks like a blind human. Who could possibly be better suited to understand all of the issues in this dispute?" It was obvious to all parties that [DC] Cat-Dog would be totally immune from accusations that he was only seeing the matter from one side.

When asked for a comment El Gato Diablo said, "See it from both sides…What the hell are you talking about? Cat-Dog is as blind as a bat…He can't see things from either side. But hey, he is half cat so we're going to go with it."

After hours of secret negotiations, five orders of cheap pizza, several 12-packs of Colt .45 malt liquor, and a single six-pack of Tequiza requested by Cat-Dog, the group emerged with the signed document. All of the points contained in the earlier contract will still be in force and a few additional items have been added. Most of the new points deal with the compensation and benefits packages, but one item will undoubtedly be a source of lingering controversy. The Dog Bots proved to be very popular with both the players and the fans. The Cat Bots have agreed that ten members of their union will move to the Dead Kitty's UT Server and ten of the Dog Bots will have permanent status on the Stuffed Cats Inc. machine.

Lead Dog-Bot Archie commented, "It's just great that some of our guys will be playing full-time on the Stuffed Cats Inc. Server…It's a real honor to play on a machine of that caliber. It's going to be rough on the Cat-Bots being sent down to the minors. What else can I say…We showed management that we're ready for prime-time."

As the group broke up to prepare for tonight's games, [DC] Cat-Dog was heard saying, "Get me some aspirin…lot's of aspirin…and hurry!"


[-Back To Main-]