Road-Kill Journal Vol.1-18

Cat Bot Contract Dispute Goes to the UT Supremes
Posted by Toonces T. Cat on Monday, December 11th, 10:30 PM CDT


The UT Supreme Court will hear the case:

UT Supremes Weigh In

The UT Supreme Court Sets Up Shop in CTF-AcidPipe


As the public relations war continued to heat up, both sides have officially filed their legal briefs with the UT Supreme Court. Details of the court filings have yet to be released. When asked about his possible arguments before the court, the Dead Cats legal advisor, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, said, "I am not worried. The other side's case has the consistency of a pile of steaming poop."

The attorney for the Cat Bots, Alan Dershowitz, refused to comment at this time. The seven justices are scheduled to hear the case later this week.

-Toonces

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Problems with the Vote - Lawyers Called In!
Posted by Toonces T. Cat on Thursday, December 7th, 4:30 PM CDT


TeamUT Players Demand a Recount:

Opposing Groups Dispute Contract Vote

L to R: [DC] Missing Lynx, [DC] Spot, Triumph, Barkeep, Chronos, Alan Dershowitz, El Gato Diablo, Heathcliff

TeamUT players stand together with their spokesman, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, while lead attorney for
the Cat Bots, Alan Dershowitz, speaks for his clients


Contract negotiations have been completed, but a major controversy has errupted over the results. Reliable sources report that certain members of TeamUT did not have their votes properly counted. Whether these problems were intentional, as some of the human players appear to believe, or merely mistakes rooted in simple stupidity as the Cat Bots are now claiming, has yet to be determined.

Barkeep was quoted as saying, " I swear I thought I was voting the agreement down, but there was this pretty butterfly fluttering around that distracted me. I really thought I was voting no, but it was actually the ON button, which caused the voting machine to malfunction." Lawyers for the Cat Bots claim that Barkeep entered the voting booth while still wearing his headset. Lead attorney, Alan Dershowitz said, "The man was hearing voices in his head. For goodness sakes, what do you expect from someone that listens to voices in his head?" He continued, "These are nothing but baseless complaints from a sore loser."

When asked for a comment Cat Bot El Gato Diablo said, "Let them eat chads!"

TeamUT members have also filed multiple law suits charging the Cat Bots with offenses ranging from union thuggery to stuffing the litter box. The Cat Bots, in their counter-suits have charged that the TeamUT players were clearly too dim-witted to understand the clear and concise instructions that were prominently posted in each voting booth. Cat Bot Heathcliff commented, "Look, I'm just a piece of mediocre A.I. and I got it right. I can't believe these TeamUT clowns don't drown in the puddles of drool that form on their pillows every night…They have nothing to complain about!"

Unreal Tournament Officials have refused to comment until they have heard arguments from both of the parties. Legal analyst [DC] Cougar1 said, "This is far from being over!" This was an obvious hint that this situation promises to be a long and protracted battle. TeamUT Chief Negotiator, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog had the following comment for Attorney Dershowitz, "You did a great, great job…For me to poop on!"

To hear Triumph's remarks, click the link:   The TeamUT Negotiator's Comments

Contributed by: DC Blows

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Settlement Reached - Cat Bot Strike Averted!
Posted by Toonces T. Cat on Wednesday, December 6th, 11:30 PM CDT


Cat Bots Ink Deal with the Dead Cats:

Brothers in Arms

Cat Bot El Gato Diablo and [DC] Spot stand
arm in arm beneath the Liandri Tower


Inching up against a last minute strike deadline, the Cat Bots have finally reached a contract agreement with the Dead Cats. Late this afternoon El Gato Diablo, representing the Cat Bots, and [DC] Spot, on behalf of the Dead Cats, signed the final papers that ended the threatened walk-out.

The full details of the deal have not been released, but two of the major points have been made public:
1.) The Cat Bots have agreed to remain at the Masterful setting.
2.) The Dead Cats have agreed that specific humans must play under designated handicaps.

Only rumors are circulating at this time regarding the handicaps, but apparently Chronos will be allowed to use Shock Rifle combo shots only while doing backwards dodge moves; Barkeep will be required to use rubber bullets, borrowed from the IDF, in his sniper rifle; [DC] Puma will only be permitted to telefrag if he does it using bank-shots; and finally, [DC] Missing Lynx will be restricted to operating his mouse with his left foot.

When asked for a comment on the outcome, [DC] Spot offered the following, "Look, I know it's going to be tough on those players, but they'll adapt...I mean no one ever said life is fair...Right?"

-Toonces

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